Foamy Alright, more people that are really fucking pissing me off. Now, for all you people who actually pay attention to the news, there's a bunch of fat bastards who wanted to sue the... McDoogles, you know... the people with the burgers and the stuff like that? Why? Because they were too fat. Far be it from them to admit to themselves, "hey, you know what? I should have stopped after eating 15 burgers." Nope! The fact that they have a fat ass is not their fault, it's McDoogles fault - or whatever fast food restaurant they decided to sue. My problem is, somebody actually considered taking on this case! These fucking lawyers who are like "yeah, you know what? We can sue this restaurant because you're a fat fuck." What are you saying when you're... when you're in front of the judge? "Yes, your honor, I'm a fat bastard and it's all because of this fast food chain." Give me a fucking break. Someone should just stab you in the eyes with a fucking really hot french fry, you fat bastard. Hope you choke on your own fat. Fatty!
Okay, now getting off the topic of fat asses, let's talk about these fucking cell phone mother-fuckers. Dude, put the phone away. You're a fucking self-important little fucking bastard. Nobody is really calling you. It's like, you're walking around, pressing a little button that makes that fake ringing sound. Give me a fucking break! You just want people to think that people are calling you. Nobody is calling you, you're a loser, and you're paying like $70 a month for no reason. Why, what do you need a cell phone for, so... so your mother can call you to pick up groceries on the way home from work? Give me a fucking break, okay? Grow up. If I have to hear another fucking cell phone go off when I'm eating at a diner, or I'm at a movie, I'm gonna fucking rip somebody's head off.
And speaking of diners, is it just me, or are the rest of you really fucking sick of these children with the high-pitched frequency of whining and yelling that just fucking drills itself right into your brain? I, for one, really want the mothers or fathers to just start beating the shit out of these kids until they're fucking silent or go into a coma. I'm so sick trying to eat a burger or something and having this whining kid complaining that he doesn't have ice cream. You know what, he wants ice cream? You lock him in the freezer, keep him there for about six hours, I'm sure he'll have his fill of ice cream. So... he's a little frostbitten and loses a toe or two. Fuck him, fuck the parents, get these whiny fucking bastards out of my diner. Let me eat in peace, you fat bastards.
Now let's talk English language. What I'm speaking here right now is English. I'm tired of fucking picking up a cup of coffee, and having about fifteen different languages telling me that it's hot. Ooh... Caution Muy Caliente, Vorsch Heist! Give me a fucking break! Can't you just put a picture? Look... look. Here's what I did. I came up with a little picture, you see, you put this picture on the side of a cup, a little guy holding a cup of coffee, and he's on fire. That gets the message across. I'm tired of different languages. If you're in France, speak French. When you're in America, you speak English, okay? When my grand-squirrel came to this country, you know what? He had to learn English. You know what you should do? Learn fucking English! I'm so sick of having to whip out an Idiot-to-English dictionary to figure out what the fuck you're trying to say. Just speak plain English, okay? Let me ‘splain to you something, okay? [in a Span-glish accent Spanish/English] Nobody likes to hear the English language get slaughtered? So fucking stop it, okay? Don't make me ask you for your green card. Now that I have alienated all the non-English-speaking people, see now, here's my thing: if they don't speak English and they don't understand the language, would they get offended that I'm telling them that they have to learn English? Huh? Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Ohhh! Twisting the brain... ooh!
So in closing, learn how to speak English, you fat bastards, and get off the fucking cell phone. Por Favor. Fucking jackasses.
